Standard thoughts…

Recently, I attended a wedding. I was one of the assistant coordinators. I have been doing this part time job, 4 years now. I have loved it. the sight of happy couple, tears from parents, just the ambiance of support and genuine smile from each guests is overwhelming. it’s more than the money from that job.

now, every time I handle this kind of event it always gives me an aftermath of finding a real man. someone who would stand there in the altar, and would tear jerkly wait for me me lol! I know its somehow dramatic, a movie type.

i sometimes ask God, how come these women were able to find great men.. how come i can’t? Is it my standard? Am I supposed to have a standard? Or am I just need to eradicate it..

i always have standard.. my parents told me to always have one. Standards for friends, people I hang out with.. and man that I would love.

The wisdom of the world tells me though that if you love someone, then standard is something that you do not need, because you just have to accept the the way he is.

What do you think? I’m 29 and not yet married. I will never have kids! lol

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Random

What if Premarital Sex is not an offense in Christianity? I would have probably done it with someone I am lusting with.

What if Lesbianism is not an illness as seen by other people? I would probably flaunt my relationship status.

What if killing is not a crime after all? I would have probably killed those people who had abused me sexually, physically and emotionally.

What if thoughts could kill? I would have probably killed those people who have offended me.

and what if, just what if I do not exist in this world? Then there isn’t probably a woman who rants about her life on this online writing. There would not be a person who would share her thoughts on the internet who would ask What If…

(Random thoughts)

Confession Night

I’m back. It’s 1:12am. Why am I back? I’m not even sure. I just probably want to let this out. I am sex addict. I was in denial for probably 29 years, and tonight I want to say that I am a sex addict.

I love sex, hard sex, wild sex and probably all kind of sex. I watch pornographic material a lot whenever I’m stress, and that makes me feel guilt after. by the way, I’m a virgin.

29 years old, sex addict and a virgin. How’s that so? I’m not sure too. I haven’t tried real sex but I know it feels good. A little background about myself, should help us understand on what’s happening in damn life.

When I was 6 years old, I was harassed and raped by my grandfather (mother’s side). I didn’t like and that’s for sure, however eventually I get used to the sensation and that’s touching myself.

I am a victim but not sure if a survivor.

Tonight, something happened. I just pleasured myself and I felt so much guilt. I wish have not done it. I wish I have not watched that pornographic material, and I wish didn’t want it..but I did.

“You should pray and confess” conscience said.

I did. It didn’t work. I have not changed. I probably did for a couple of days, but I still come back.

Oh Lord forgive me for all of these.

I’m back, because I probably would want to share my struggle or not? and I do not want to sugarcoat it or not.

By the way in my previous post last year, I was ranting about my job. An update! I’ve got a job now. I mean last year. I’m a teacher. My dad succeeded. I felt the same way.

(P.s I don’t feel like editing this. So I’m seriously sorry for grammatical error)