Confession Night

I’m back. It’s 1:12am. Why am I back? I’m not even sure. I just probably want to let this out. I am sex addict. I was in denial for probably 29 years, and tonight I want to say that I am a sex addict.

I love sex, hard sex, wild sex and probably all kind of sex. I watch pornographic material a lot whenever I’m stress, and that makes me feel guilt after. by the way, I’m a virgin.

29 years old, sex addict and a virgin. How’s that so? I’m not sure too. I haven’t tried real sex but I know it feels good. A little background about myself, should help us understand on what’s happening in damn life.

When I was 6 years old, I was harassed and raped by my grandfather (mother’s side). I didn’t like and that’s for sure, however eventually I get used to the sensation and that’s touching myself.

I am a victim but not sure if a survivor.

Tonight, something happened. I just pleasured myself and I felt so much guilt. I wish have not done it. I wish I have not watched that pornographic material, and I wish didn’t want it..but I did.

“You should pray and confess” conscience said.

I did. It didn’t work. I have not changed. I probably did for a couple of days, but I still come back.

Oh Lord forgive me for all of these.

I’m back, because I probably would want to share my struggle or not? and I do not want to sugarcoat it or not.

By the way in my previous post last year, I was ranting about my job. An update! I’ve got a job now. I mean last year. I’m a teacher. My dad succeeded. I felt the same way.

(P.s I don’t feel like editing this. So I’m seriously sorry for grammatical error)

Losing my Job

I am allowed to be floppy and miserable. I’m 100% sure that I have a valid excused of being a daily pathetic person. It’s been 2 years that I don’t work anymore as a regular teacher. I’m a part time adult teacher now.

The sweet scent of the kids, the tattletale behavior, the loud laughs and howl, grimaced face.. uhhhh i hated it before, but now i am deeply surely longing for those. =(

I miss teaching kids. I really want to get ahead of myself now. I really miss giving vote for confidence haha! Most of my kids weren’t that intelligent because i worked in the last section but i must say that i have given them skyrocketing confidence which i think is really important.

Right now i’m still looking on the positive side of teaching ESL online. I don’t see any light yet not even at the end of this tunnel, but i a’m quite sure that there’s a great reason why i’m here. I know i need to move forward and onward, i couldn’t stay in that school forever.

I guess i need to stop moping around. Everything should be fine… let’s wait and see..