When your thought just murdered yourself..

Lately, I’ve been thinking about smoking. I still do. I just wanna go to the nearest store and get myself the Marlboro chocolate flavoured smoke and probably a bottle of smirnoff. Just for tonight, just for this quite night.

Tonight, I have been thinking and asking myself about living. Why do we still live and suffer? Can’t we just die so to not suffer? Why do we continue to wanting to live, when we can just jump off that 30th floor? Are we that pussy enough?

Maybe, just maybe we are too scared to die. We don’t know what’s in there after death. There’s not much of an assurance. Only the bible tells us that after death it’s either you go to heaven with Jesus, or hell with Satan and suffer more.  We are probably too scared, that if we do not endure the pain here on earth, we would suffer more after death. Isn’t it?

I am not calling people’s attention. I am not even telling the depress to just fuck on and kill yourself. This is not even a suicide note. I swear, I may suffer a lot but suicide was never an option.

Tonight, the question of living, staying, and suffer just crossed my broad forehead.

Personally, I prefer living. I mean who would take care of my dogs if I die? I do not want my mom or dad to do these human-animal relationship goals and responsibility. I do not want them cleaning my dogs house or scooping the poop. They wouldn’t want that because it is disgusting.

I wouldn’t want my dogs to miss me. That is just so heartbreaking.

If I choose death I have always have this thought..

“What about my mom and dad? Will they be okay? I just lost my brother last October. They haven’t recovered yet.”

The last one would be, I know I am stupid.. I did so many stupid things in life, and I am planning to do more… despite of this, I still fear God. I grew up in an Evangelical faith, so I basically know that God wouldn’t want me to take my life, and that salvation is quite a highlight before death..

Not very sure of my salvation. Are you even familiar with it? You have to accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and personal saviour. You just have to pray..

“Dear God, sorry for all my sin. I accept you as my Lord and saviour… help me to follow you.”

So basically, you surrender everything to God.. you start to be nice and do things that are quite Godly and bible based..

If you die, and you’re not so sure of your salvation then it’s a big problem…

What about you? Do you wanna die now? Or probably later? What’s holding you back? Let me know..

 

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Standard thoughts…

Recently, I attended a wedding. I was one of the assistant coordinators. I have been doing this part time job, 4 years now. I have loved it. the sight of happy couple, tears from parents, just the ambiance of support and genuine smile from each guests is overwhelming. it’s more than the money from that job.

now, every time I handle this kind of event it always gives me an aftermath of finding a real man. someone who would stand there in the altar, and would tear jerkly wait for me me lol! I know its somehow dramatic, a movie type.

i sometimes ask God, how come these women were able to find great men.. how come i can’t? Is it my standard? Am I supposed to have a standard? Or am I just need to eradicate it..

i always have standard.. my parents told me to always have one. Standards for friends, people I hang out with.. and man that I would love.

The wisdom of the world tells me though that if you love someone, then standard is something that you do not need, because you just have to accept the the way he is.

What do you think? I’m 29 and not yet married. I will never have kids! lol

Random

What if Premarital Sex is not an offense in Christianity? I would have probably done it with someone I am lusting with.

What if Lesbianism is not an illness as seen by other people? I would probably flaunt my relationship status.

What if killing is not a crime after all? I would have probably killed those people who had abused me sexually, physically and emotionally.

What if thoughts could kill? I would have probably killed those people who have offended me.

and what if, just what if I do not exist in this world? Then there isn’t probably a woman who rants about her life on this online writing. There would not be a person who would share her thoughts on the internet who would ask What If…

(Random thoughts)

I like my student

I want to talk about someone I like. She’s 18 years old. Too young for me. She is my student in Senior High School. She knows my preference. I’m a lesbian. I do not know what’s gotten into me, but ever since we got connected I feel good.

I started to realized, last year that she’s special to me. I like to see her everyday, and I think I want her to be my girlfriend. She’s too young for me though. I’m 29, she’s 18. I would probably look like her older sister. I’m even older than her sister.

Last year, she told me she likes me. Well, until now she still likes me. I told her that we shouldn’t be chatting or talking much because I’m her teacher. I can’t afford to lose my job. I mean, I have been working on this and praying for this a long time.

Anyways, I know this is wrong and surely her parents won’t approve about me, because I’m her teacher and I’m a lesbian. I told her, that when she’s in the right age and she still feels the same way about me then we should try to hang out and probably be a normal couple (if lesbianism is normal for people here in my country)

Do I feel sexual desires for her? Nope. I remember she told she has been dreaming of kissing me. Now, hearing that from someone who’s so young was quite awkward, but I felt good a little bit because that only meant I am sexually attractive! My charisma doesn’t work for men alone.

Teaching high school students who already almost look like mature women is pretty hard.. I would never deny that temptation is quite a factor. Some of my friends would judge me for this, but I have always told them “don’t worry I am just appreciating, I am not doing anything”

I realized that I should be teaching kinder students I mean they’re more fun to be with and they’re not attractive at all.. I see them as little kids. Whenever I’m with them, I’m feeling this mother instinct.

(Random thoughts)

Confession Night

I’m back. It’s 1:12am. Why am I back? I’m not even sure. I just probably want to let this out. I am sex addict. I was in denial for probably 29 years, and tonight I want to say that I am a sex addict.

I love sex, hard sex, wild sex and probably all kind of sex. I watch pornographic material a lot whenever I’m stress, and that makes me feel guilt after. by the way, I’m a virgin.

29 years old, sex addict and a virgin. How’s that so? I’m not sure too. I haven’t tried real sex but I know it feels good. A little background about myself, should help us understand on what’s happening in damn life.

When I was 6 years old, I was harassed and raped by my grandfather (mother’s side). I didn’t like and that’s for sure, however eventually I get used to the sensation and that’s touching myself.

I am a victim but not sure if a survivor.

Tonight, something happened. I just pleasured myself and I felt so much guilt. I wish have not done it. I wish I have not watched that pornographic material, and I wish didn’t want it..but I did.

“You should pray and confess” conscience said.

I did. It didn’t work. I have not changed. I probably did for a couple of days, but I still come back.

Oh Lord forgive me for all of these.

I’m back, because I probably would want to share my struggle or not? and I do not want to sugarcoat it or not.

By the way in my previous post last year, I was ranting about my job. An update! I’ve got a job now. I mean last year. I’m a teacher. My dad succeeded. I felt the same way.

(P.s I don’t feel like editing this. So I’m seriously sorry for grammatical error)

The Fringe Benefit!

Recently, I ranted about losing my job. It was crazy hard, and quite difficult. I felt really low. Do you even get that feeling everytime you open facebook to just check on people’s post, you suddenly feel sad. You feel they’re bragging about their teaching career, but you are somehow definite too that it’s not on purpose.

But this post anyway is not about that.. I am starting to embrace now that I’m an online teacher. I am starting to clinch on the fact that this kind of career isn’t that bad after all. In fact, I am hitting 2 passions at the same time which are teaching and learning culture.

Lately I have been getting a lot of students, and receiving good feedbacks from them so yeah!!! that’s a good news! Online job just made me feel like I’ve toured around the globe in a day.

I don’t just teach Koreans, or Japanese… I teach students from Vietnam, Cuba, Australia, Russia, Ukraine, Kazakhstan and guess what Belarus.

To be honest, I have never heard of Belarus my whole life. It’s either I’m stupid or I’m stupid haha or the other way around haha! let me share some perks though aside from the mentioned..

Online Teaching!!

teaching-online

  1. Paying tax

Alright! This thing is a bit optional, but ofcourse I still encourage everyone to pay haha! Talking about reality.. some people don’t.. but hey i said some so yes i still pay mine, but not on time… not really a good role model 😦

2. I totally own my time.

I get to pick my own schedule, and my students booked me. Since I have problem sleeping at night, my schedule is 6pm to 12 midnight and in the morning I get to do the things that need to be done!

3. Learning new culture

It is so amazing to just learn how different human being can be because of culture and tradition, but how close we are knitted together because we’re human and we have the same language of humanity and that’s love..

4. Multilingualism

Okay, it’s a fact that I talk to different people from different country so learning their language is inevitable. What about a futuristic thought? I think it’s okay to assume that 5 years from now if I continue this I can be multilingual!that’ll make me more competitive, and international travelling can be very achievable and fun!

5. Understanding myself

Since, I am usually home and alone I get to have tons of moments with myself. Myself and I paint our nails together, we cook, we eat together, we read together, watch movie and yeah just do most of the things together.. I hope I didn’t sound crazy with that description.. But basically all I want to say is that I was being true to myself. I didn’t have anybody please, and I get to have more realizations everyday.. and I am starting to get to know myself more…and I learn to love SELF more than ever..

You see every job has it’s own perks, and I mine is just what I need right now… so I like to conclude that God works indeed in mysterious ways… a little bit humorous but heck a Humorous God is cool!! don’t you think?

Losing my Job

I am allowed to be floppy and miserable. I’m 100% sure that I have a valid excused of being a daily pathetic person. It’s been 2 years that I don’t work anymore as a regular teacher. I’m a part time adult teacher now.

The sweet scent of the kids, the tattletale behavior, the loud laughs and howl, grimaced face.. uhhhh i hated it before, but now i am deeply surely longing for those. =(

I miss teaching kids. I really want to get ahead of myself now. I really miss giving vote for confidence haha! Most of my kids weren’t that intelligent because i worked in the last section but i must say that i have given them skyrocketing confidence which i think is really important.

Right now i’m still looking on the positive side of teaching ESL online. I don’t see any light yet not even at the end of this tunnel, but i a’m quite sure that there’s a great reason why i’m here. I know i need to move forward and onward, i couldn’t stay in that school forever.

I guess i need to stop moping around. Everything should be fine… let’s wait and see..