When your thought just murdered yourself..

Lately, I’ve been thinking about smoking. I still do. I just wanna go to the nearest store and get myself the Marlboro chocolate flavoured smoke and probably a bottle of smirnoff. Just for tonight, just for this quite night.

Tonight, I have been thinking and asking myself about living. Why do we still live and suffer? Can’t we just die so to not suffer? Why do we continue to wanting to live, when we can just jump off that 30th floor? Are we that pussy enough?

Maybe, just maybe we are too scared to die. We don’t know what’s in there after death. There’s not much of an assurance. Only the bible tells us that after death it’s either you go to heaven with Jesus, or hell with Satan and suffer more.  We are probably too scared, that if we do not endure the pain here on earth, we would suffer more after death. Isn’t it?

I am not calling people’s attention. I am not even telling the depress to just fuck on and kill yourself. This is not even a suicide note. I swear, I may suffer a lot but suicide was never an option.

Tonight, the question of living, staying, and suffer just crossed my broad forehead.

Personally, I prefer living. I mean who would take care of my dogs if I die? I do not want my mom or dad to do these human-animal relationship goals and responsibility. I do not want them cleaning my dogs house or scooping the poop. They wouldn’t want that because it is disgusting.

I wouldn’t want my dogs to miss me. That is just so heartbreaking.

If I choose death I have always have this thought..

“What about my mom and dad? Will they be okay? I just lost my brother last October. They haven’t recovered yet.”

The last one would be, I know I am stupid.. I did so many stupid things in life, and I am planning to do more… despite of this, I still fear God. I grew up in an Evangelical faith, so I basically know that God wouldn’t want me to take my life, and that salvation is quite a highlight before death..

Not very sure of my salvation. Are you even familiar with it? You have to accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and personal saviour. You just have to pray..

“Dear God, sorry for all my sin. I accept you as my Lord and saviour… help me to follow you.”

So basically, you surrender everything to God.. you start to be nice and do things that are quite Godly and bible based..

If you die, and you’re not so sure of your salvation then it’s a big problem…

What about you? Do you wanna die now? Or probably later? What’s holding you back? Let me know..



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