What if Premarital Sex is not an offense in Christianity? I would have probably done it with someone I am lusting with.

What if Lesbianism is not an illness as seen by other people? I would probably flaunt my relationship status.

What if killing is not a crime after all? I would have probably killed those people who had abused me sexually, physically and emotionally.

What if thoughts could kill? I would have probably killed those people who have offended me.

and what if, just what if I do not exist in this world? Then there isn’t probably a woman who rants about her life on this online writing. There would not be a person who would share her thoughts on the internet who would ask What If…

(Random thoughts)


I like my student

I want to talk about someone I like. She’s 18 years old. Too young for me. She is my student in Senior High School. She knows my preference. I’m a lesbian. I do not know what’s gotten into me, but ever since we got connected I feel good.

I started to realized, last year that she’s special to me. I like to see her everyday, and I think I want her to be my girlfriend. She’s too young for me though. I’m 29, she’s 18. I would probably look like her older sister. I’m even older than her sister.

Last year, she told me she likes me. Well, until now she still likes me. I told her that we shouldn’t be chatting or talking much because I’m her teacher. I can’t afford to lose my job. I mean, I have been working on this and praying for this a long time.

Anyways, I know this is wrong and surely her parents won’t approve about me, because I’m her teacher and I’m a lesbian. I told her, that when she’s in the right age and she still feels the same way about me then we should try to hang out and probably be a normal couple (if lesbianism is normal for people here in my country)

Do I feel sexual desires for her? Nope. I remember she told she has been dreaming of kissing me. Now, hearing that from someone who’s so young was quite awkward, but I felt good a little bit because that only meant I am sexually attractive! My charisma doesn’t work for men alone.

Teaching high school students who already almost look like mature women is pretty hard.. I would never deny that temptation is quite a factor. Some of my friends would judge me for this, but I have always told them “don’t worry I am just appreciating, I am not doing anything”

I realized that I should be teaching kinder students I mean they’re more fun to be with and they’re not attractive at all.. I see them as little kids. Whenever I’m with them, I’m feeling this mother instinct.

(Random thoughts)

Confession Night

I’m back. It’s 1:12am. Why am I back? I’m not even sure. I just probably want to let this out. I am sex addict. I was in denial for probably 29 years, and tonight I want to say that I am a sex addict.

I love sex, hard sex, wild sex and probably all kind of sex. I watch pornographic material a lot whenever I’m stress, and that makes me feel guilt after. by the way, I’m a virgin.

29 years old, sex addict and a virgin. How’s that so? I’m not sure too. I haven’t tried real sex but I know it feels good. A little background about myself, should help us understand on what’s happening in damn life.

When I was 6 years old, I was harassed and raped by my grandfather (mother’s side). I didn’t like and that’s for sure, however eventually I get used to the sensation and that’s touching myself.

I am a victim but not sure if a survivor.

Tonight, something happened. I just pleasured myself and I felt so much guilt. I wish have not done it. I wish I have not watched that pornographic material, and I wish didn’t want it..but I did.

“You should pray and confess” conscience said.

I did. It didn’t work. I have not changed. I probably did for a couple of days, but I still come back.

Oh Lord forgive me for all of these.

I’m back, because I probably would want to share my struggle or not? and I do not want to sugarcoat it or not.

By the way in my previous post last year, I was ranting about my job. An update! I’ve got a job now. I mean last year. I’m a teacher. My dad succeeded. I felt the same way.

(P.s I don’t feel like editing this. So I’m seriously sorry for grammatical error)